The Gravy Train

Mistress allowed me to eat dog for dinner last night, a can of beef and bacon gravy train to be exact! i was so excited at the impending humiliation of eating it out of the dog bowl where i eat most meals. But dog food has never actually been in there! She had me stand in the kitchen as She opened the fresh can, She took a whiff and gagged. "it cant be that bad" i thought but when She put the can up to my nose and commanded me to smell, i knew i was in for more than just a quick meal. i could feel Her power as She dumped the meal into my stainless bowl. She felt satisfied at what She was about to make me do. my excitement mounted, i put my hair in a ponytail and when She gave me permission to eat i stuck my face in the terrible smelling mess and dug in! my excitement quickly changed to disgust at the reality of the situation. Despite my humiliation (even my girl got to eat and actual meal and got to watch her superior eat dog food) and despite Mistress degrading me though the whole thing, it was so terrible on the tongue. The dog food did not in fact taste anything like bacon OR beef, it had an earthy flavor and a gritty texture. The taste was foul and it took alot of mind of matter to chew and swallow even a single bite! i struggled threw it and managed to not vomit as Mistress informed me i would be eating that too if i had. i ate and ate until Mistress told  me i was finished with about half the can left. i was rewarded with Mistress Newport ashes and cigarette butt as desert as well as my own pink fag cigarette!Alot of self control and devotion is what it took to eat that meal. i spent the time focusing on being lucky enough that my Mistress would allow me such a grand humiliation and what it ment to me rather than how it tasted. That made it go down alot easier. i felt very devoted, i felt very safe and happy. i look forward to eating my dog food again because that is my place and that is what my Mistress desires. It was a very humbling experience is took alot for Mistress to show that i truly and nothing more than a servant for Her amusement and She seems to greatly enjoy it that way!

A note from Mistress Carrie

I recived text regarding my place in Mistress Carries life, She knows exactly how to speak to me and how much Her words motivate and effect me. Deep down i know how She feel about me but She knows i am a humiliation and degradation junkie. So She is able to channel that into Her own special brand of affection that we both understand fully. It is painful to know that i do not turn Her on but it is also humbling i know i used to turn Her on and so did our dynamic. But now it is all just so natural for Her that its just life, i dont even know what really turns Her on anymore. She has told me what turns Her on is none of my business and that my place is to serve nothing more.  That is all to say that i hope i know how She feel regardless i am thrilled to serve Her and be apart of Her life! As many people tell me i am very very lucky...Thank You Mistress.

Stupid Blogger

i have been trying to edit my blog to make it a litte easier on the eyes and easier to read for  few days now. But when i do blogger is having some kind of issue that doesnt allow my changes to save so know that it is being worked on and i will make some changes soon :)

En femme!

i spent all day yesterday in looking like a faggy boy scout complete with tan shorts. i was not very happy about it but Mistress knew what was best. It reminded me of when i was a cub scout jeez i must have been like 8 maybe? But there was this photo taken of me in my uniform with my little shorts and i remember looking at is and think "my little hairless legs have no shape." Still in those little shorts, legs still hairless, 20 years later my legs are not so skinny and have a bit more shape.

 Mistress allowed me to accompany Her to the grocery that evening in my fancy get up. As i followed behind Her i tried my best to hide my long pink nails from onlookers. But as we headed deep into the store Mistress had informed me that She needed me to fetch a cart. So now as i went back to the cart i thought about all the people that would see my nails and there was nothing i could do about it i had no choice but to obey Her. So i did and i shamelessly pushed the cart my bright pink nails displayed for all to see. Because i had to give up the control or the mindset that people might look at me funny. In the end none of that matter all that matters is pleasing the one in control the only persons opinion that has merit in my world.......Mistress Carrie.

As i said in my previous post, i was punished and had to write lines. When Mistress arrived home from work She was quick to inspect my work as She enjoyed a cigarette and Her ashtray. She pointed out that i had capitalized the letter "i" when referring to myself. Mistress seemed very displeased by this, i quickly explained that i didnt know that was a problem. Force of habit always makes me capitalize "i" because of this and the lack of the apostrophe in the word "i've" Mistress informed me i will be rewriting my lines today. i eagerly accepted the fact that i was no long allowed to use honorifics of any sort when referring to myself infact i embraced it. Mainly because i am a rules and protocol junkie! i was excited to do my morning ritual of text messaging Mistress Her morning formal greeting, when i realized that my iphone auto corrects every letter i by its self to a capital "I" Well this is a problem because without the auto correct i would never spell anything right! But against my better judgement i turned it off to write my morning formal message.......i was informed of six spelling grammar and protocol errors and told i would be paddled this evening for not sending a proper message. It really was not worth turning the auto correct off for the sake of selfish laziness. Mistress and i text alot while She is away from home so now that my auto correct is on. i have to back track alot and force the phone to make my i's lower case then double check that they are all correct before sending my message. It is a prefect example of little things reminding you of your place.

So spending my time yesterday as a boy made me realize i am so much more playful and just an over all bad slave with not en femme. If i may run off on a bit of a tangent here i so much prefr words like en femme or feminized when referring to what you are when dressed as a female those terms sound so danity and proper. Whereas terms like "boy mode" or "girl mode" they just seem so much more informal and butch. Maybe its just because i am more of a sissy maid than a crossdresser i have a specific fetish for the properness of it all ....i have no idea....Anyway I am much more playful and kind of a brat when i am a boy. i dont really know why, i mean dont get me wrong i still know my place and still observe my protocol but just something in my brain is such much less submissive. i have always said in the past that i am not infact submissive by nature but had been trained to submit to my Mistress. i mean i own a girl for christ sake(jeni) if that is ny indication to my submissive nature. However when i am a gur,l Her gurl i find that submission is so very natural and kind of just fluid that i do not even have to try i just turn my brain off and let go awating instructions. When a boy ....not so much i am playful like a child with add i am still punished and still correct but it doesnt have the same effect as when i am a boy. Do any other sissies have this problem? Its also not like i seperate the 2 sides (which is a huge petpeeve of mine for some reason i hate when people refer to their fem selves in the third person "Brittney would love those boots or tara giving her first blow job") my 2 selves are infact one in the same ashe has always been short for ashlynn and fifi is a nickname given to me by Mistress Carrie. That being said that attitudes and personalities are not at all the same! it is very interesting.

Scouts Honor

Today i got in trouble for being to playful with Mistress. i jokingly asked it it was ok to wear my boy scout shirt (i have a boyscout shirt that i got from a thrift shop). Knowing that i am suppose to be femme at all times and She would want me to be in uniform to serve this evening. i was thinking that She would just quickly correct me and put me in my place. But in fact She was quick to tell me to put the boy scout shirt on and i could spend the time before She got home writing lines in my precious tan boy scout shirt. So plugged with my pink jewel butt plug and purple lace panties, i began to pen my hundred lines. Strangely with my long pink nails i felt more uncomfortable in this boy shirt than in any of my female wardrobe that i could have worn. i mean hell, it even says "Boy" on the shirt more than once. 'But i am not a boy', i thought to myself, 'i am a sissy, i present as a girl far more than a boy and i own far more female clothes than male clothes'. I love frills and bright colors. Instead of quickly telling me "NO! I want you in _____" Mistress has caused me to think about my actions and appreciate that i am not a man or a boy, i am Her sissy, and that is how i need to think all of the time.

i love pink!

It has been a really, really long time since i have posted a blog. What was once a daily pratice is now a thing of the past. I think often we forget how simple things once done are a good way to find comfort and bring us back down to earth. my maid training continues daily and i feel that blogging is an important part of that. So i hope to post more often; it is a good way to harness and direct my devotion.

i was allowed to get my nails done on friday, they are about an inch long. When i went into the salon i did not have much makeup on but i was fully dress as i usally am. Though one thing was diffrent. In the past when i have had my nails done, i could hide behind Mistess. This time i could not... It was weird to have to project myself as a female and one who was comfortable with people waxing my eyebrows and fidling with my hands no less! But as i sat in the chair i relaxed and took solace in the fact that i am not a woman and i am not a man. i am a sissy and i am very proud of that fact!! After that realization, i took pride in acting in a way that i knew would make my Mistress proud. So now i type this with long pink nails and it makes me so happy to live in such femminity and i am so lucky to have a Mistress that knows what is best for me.

Mistress can sometimes be so strict and nitpicking and these are moments i savor, these are moments i feel like i was ment for. She does not tolerate playfulness or back-talk and rightfully so! i am there to serve that is my main function. She will notice what has been done wrong or not to Her liking and really let me know how dissapointed She is. i truly hate to dissipoint Her because i am a properly trained sissy maid and i know what is expected even to the point of being cocky (i get in trouble a lot for being cocky!!!). It is nice to be brought back to reality and put in my place because i do often. i get caught up in being foolish and lose sight of the fact that i am Her sissy maid. i am there to serve and amuse Her and do so in the way She wants and has trained. So its times like this i am truly greatful to be Her perfect sissy.

So as i put on my lace and frills today i will keep in mind that i am Her slave, i am Her servant, i am here to do as She wishes. I spend the day awaiting Her instructions, it is like a drug. i crave Her control on a daily basis and go through withdraw when i do not have it.