Stopping By...

This is fifi's Mistress,
     I thought it would be fun to peek in and read some posts on My slave's blog then thought I would sneak in to write a note. I wanted to take a moment to talk about fifi to the readers. she is a very unique person and I feel very blessed to have her in My life. she worships and adores Me and goes to great lengths to show Me this on a daily basis. I feel the love and special bond that we have growing more and more as time passes by. Whether she is kneeling before Me eager to serve or she is working on daily tasks, I know that her service is what matters most to her. I see her grow in her femininity in regards to poise, style and make-up and I see how she strives to be a better more sophisticated sissy to Me. her protocol is something that she takes great pride in and rules are something she also covets.

     I see her evolving as a person and see her growth in being selfless and wanting to see Me happy. she is learning to revel in My happiness and in return feeling satisfaction from the smile upon My face. she is also open to trying new ideas and concepts and I am growing in our faith for each other right along with her. It is a joy to see that the person she is and the person she is becoming is one of true beauty. I am so happy that we take the time and patience to learn from each other on our journey together and know that we have a lifetime together left to share.

'I love you fifi, you are My constant, My forever and My divine. You are My bright and shining star in this big stretch of word and I and your Sun. Together we will shine always and the heavens will be our playground in this life together.'

Happy Holidays to everyone and I hope that they will be merry and bright for each of you.

Mistress Carrie

A poem by Mistress Carrie

i thought i would share a prom that my Mistress wrote. She texted it to me this morning i thought is was wonderful!

Fifi is a peculiar gurl, one of satin and lace. She minces and preens and sashays and swings with makeup on her face. She opens her mouth for all sorts of things, from ashes to piss and shit. And she always feels the most at home when admiring her locked up clit. She curtsies and serves with lots of verve with a big smile on her face. She has such devotion with lots of emotion and surely knows her place. She is a true sissy, ever so prissy and hates when she is a boy. But on her knees, begging to please, makes her Mistress' pride and joy.

BBC

Most who read this blog or that know me, know that i am not a very sexual person as far as my submission go it is the service and the power exchange that get me off. But people that also know me know that the very big exception to this is my love of Black men. It is a very strong preference of mine and i have been Black only for a couple of years now but my Bulls are few and far between. So i write this blog in s moment of passing horniess while Mistress is relaxing in the bath tub. 

Black men have always felt Superior to me their bodies their skin tone their endowment it all encompasses what turns me on. my first male on male experience  was with a Black friend of mine he used to force me to touch him and let him touch me this was in about 6/7th grade. i strongly resisted just to save face but it secretly felt very right to me weather i wanted to admit it or not. i was already living with the fact that i had spent years prior cross dressing in secret. i held a strong grudge with this boy for a long time as i struggled with my sexuality over the next few years of my life. Into my early 20s I was already very open about my sexuality, kinks, and fully presented as a female quite often. I was a member of many local yahoo groups for crossdressers so anytime i wanted some cock i would just post in them. One of the best results that i ever had was a young BBC Bull that couldnt wait to meet me and i felt the very same. So excited to be with my first Black guy i put on my smallest shortest sluttiest dress (i was alot smaller then lol). Did my make up dark and slutty (i also did horrible make up back then, you win some you lose some) followed by my highest heels. 

When the door bell rang i was greeted by a very fit looking lighter skined man standing before me. He was just a college kid (i lived on OSU's Campus at the time) He had black frame glasses a t shirt jeans and a pair of chuck taylors. i could see his growing buldge in his pants as he looked me over. i grabbed his hand and took him to my bedroom and began to take my time undressing him. Rubbing his body with one hand and his cock with the other. with one hand and his body with the other. When i got all his clothes off i was so impressed i had to take a photo he was sooo hot, strong and manly looking. His body was so tone and define and his cock just hung there begging me to taste it. It was big every bit of 8 inches easily the biggest cock i had every touched. i quickly fell to my knees and began to suck it. Struggling not to vomit each time i went down. Finally after about 10 mins of giving him head he whispered in my ear "i want to fuck your pussy" to which i had no problem telling him that he was WAY to big and it would likely result in my death. He told me that he would go slow and it would feel very good for both of us. Against my better judgement i just couldnt say no again it felt so natural to submit to him. He layed me face down on the bed and began to ease his lubed cock bareback into my sissy pussy after a bit i was craving for him to go deeper it really did feel good! i enjoyed it alot after he came and i saw him off i though long and hard about how wonderful he felt inside me and how natural it was for me to let him take what he wanted. i kept in contact with him for awhile but we never fucked again something always came up though later in life i wish i would have made more time for him. 

Sick day

i was not feeling well yesterday, Mistress knows just how to make me feel better. She came home from work I was asleep in bed. She made me drink some cold medicine then flipped me over and gave me a nice long bare handed spanking. Afterward She tossed me off the bed and instructed me to fetch Her cigarettes. After taking the pack from my mouth She lit a cigarette. The first time She ashed in my eager mouth She said "take Your medicine" this made me melt. i knelt before Her as She finished Her cigarette and we going through some things in Her canvas bag. After putting Her cigarette out on my eager tounge Mistress covered my head with Her canvas bag and caned my body as I knelt before Her until i cried. Afterwards i layed my covered head on Her leg as She relaxed. After awhile She took the bag off my head as began to spoon feed me soup as i knelt with my hands behind my back sure to say "thank You Mistress" for every bite. i spent the rest of the night kneeling with my PVC blanket next to Her be while   Mistress relaxed and enjoyed the evening. It made me feel a lot better! When i am sick i crave Mistress attention like a child who needs its mommy. Mistess always knows just how to makes feel better! i never forget how perfect She is for me! my greatest joy is always being at Her feet.

In my cage

Mistress allowed me to sleep in my cage last night for the forst time in awhile. I think i have mentioned before that my bright pink cage is tucked away inside Mistress's walk in closet. Sleeping in it used to be a pretty normal ritual but it has been about a month or more since i have slept there. i used to sleep so good in my cage it made me feel safe and secure. It was generally where I got the best sleep no light or noise can't get in you are sensory deprived for the most part. It's a pretty small cage for a pretty big gurl. It is the largest pink dog crate that is offered. Considering the range of movement never allows you to full stretch  it is not for the cloisterphobic. 

Mistress informed me i would be sleeping there so i eagerly crawled in Mistress covered me in my PVC and fleece blanket that i adore then snapped the lock shut on the cage and closed the closet door behind Her. Locked in the darkness i laid my head back as almost fell asleep instantly. Them i would wake up feeling panicked and trapped a feeling  i have not felt inside the cage i usally associate with comfort. It was a strange feeling then i would eventually just fall back asleep. Only to wake up again with those same feelings. It was such a relief to hear Mistress opening the lock and the cage door before leaving for work this morning. It made me remember noatrer how bad it gets She is there to keep me safe. That is my new reason to enjoy the time spend in my cage!

On Sunday morning Mistress called me into Her room. When i entered She pointe to Her cigarettes I knew what that ment, it was time for me to be Her ashtray. i eagerly scurried over to Her cigarettes crawling backing with them in my mouth. Mistress told be to get a big black dildo and me I would be fucking myself while She smoked and dryed Her hair. After lighting Her cigarette I lubed the big black cock up and bagan to ease my way down onto it. Inch by inch by inch until i was bouncing up and down swallowing it each time. I stared at Mistress's burning cigarette hopeing it would never end if felt amazing as Mistress hurled insults from behind the howl of the blow dryer. With each ash that when into my mouth I knew it would be that much less time i had my sissy pussy full of rubber cock .  I rode it for my Mistress's amusement a short time before I felt the burn of Her cigarette being put out on my tounge. Just like that She dismissed me to go clean the toy and leave Her be. It was a great start to my Sunday .

Have just been very busy this past week Mistess is having a horrible time with Her back. It throws everything a little off balance when She is not feeling Her best.  It makes Her not Herself for lack of a better term. We had to take Her to the Er early last week, in the waiting room there was 3 other people from our local kink community so that wa pretty funny. So there has been just a lot of downtime here I am sad to say. Life has its ups and downs. I started this blog with the intention of keeping updated often so people would kind of have an insight into my life and things and maybe learn and relat along the way ! I feel bad that I am not able to keep up with it as often as I would like at this time but I will still try my best until everything is back to normal :)

Broken Puter

i had planned on doing a lot of updating of my blog this week since I neglected t so much last week. However when i went to write yesterday i opened the laptop and much to my dismay, the screen was broken! So until i can replace the screen i will haw to use the blogger app on my phone. Which means the entries will be filled with more spelling errors and grammar issues than usual. They will also be shorter. All that being said i have gotten a few emails this past week wondering where i have been and what had been going on, some have outright been clam wrong for another entry. i am honored so many people are inteested in my journal it means a lot i really appreciate all the support! 

i have not been myself for about a week i spent a lot of time in the garage working on some leather projects. Some of you may know that i do a bit of mediocre leather work and Mistress does some sewing it allows us to craft a lot of our own gear and toys. Sometimes you jut find yourself lost in a project. girl Jeni and i found ourselves working on one project then eager to start a new one until before we knew it we cranked out quite a few little projects, then all of a sudden a week went by. 

Here are a few of the things we made this week.

jeni had been bugging me for a long time to make this gag for punishment....yes it's soap...

We also made this pair of PVC arm binders. 

And this cute leather bow headband it matches a pair of heels i have!

Thia is Mistresses strap on which i made awhile back but I had been wanting to improve it for a very long time. So Her name was added to the back aswell as the pink trim , the spade for my Queen of Spades, and the handmade leather bows ! We managed to hide this and keep it a secret until it was finished! I also made Her a very pretty collar that days Black Owned ! I presented them to Her together.

There is also a few other unfinished projects in there i will post them when they are finished since they are directly sissy related and they are what stares this project craze!

As i said yesterday i was going to post an entry but i was taking care of jeni all day. As many know jeni is my slave and the only person i top our relationship is not sexual in nature it is service oriented very similar to Mistress Carrie and my dynamic. When i play with Her Mistress is usally involved in some way as jeni is Her property aswell. Since i am almost always enfemme she does serve me as a female and since i am generally in uniform jeni submits to me reguardless of what i am wearing. Though on Tuesday night when i decited to play with her i was guy ish lol my male uniform is a bit different as a female i am usally required I wear a maid uniform if not i am required to be fully dressed in an outfit style of Mistresses choosing. As a male i wear a black t shirt with "slave ashe" monogrammed over the right breast and a pair of panties or diaper and that it. For this particular occasion I had my shirt and pink/white frilly panties. (i know super dominant right) I had Jeni strip ad put a hood and arm binders on her. She enjoys a lot of pain and dehumanization. So i had her get on all 4s and began a light caneing. Just slowly warmed her up as Mistress lit a cigarette to make sure my attention was always where it belonged. I beat her like this for a bit with various toys until Mistress put Her Newport out on my tounge. Then She retired tithe bedroom. I had jeni flip over on her back so I could work on her breasts i was beating them good and hard punching slapping bruising with each hit when all of a sudden Mistress walked out with her strap on, a BBC hanging between Her legs. i eagerly scurried over to suck it getting it nice and wet to go in jenis cunt. She slid it in and fucked her all while we both beat her tits as muffled cries and moans could be heard from behind the hoods gag. After a good fucking a beating i decited to give her an enema with my piss! (Jeni is a piss an human toilet junkie!) i peed in out enema pitcher but it wasn't to much so i had the bright idea to mix it with vodka. Now this is nothing new in Mostress's house we do a lot of alcohol enemas if done properly an safe it is very fun! Again there was. It much piss so i didn't put much vodka in. With an enema the alcohol is not filter led through the kidneys so it can be very intense and a little goes a long way. This is also where the risk is involved. Since it is not filtered through the kidneys there is a real risk that you can get alcohol poisoning. But all seemed well jeni was enjoying a nice buzz and a belly full of my piss to boot! A bit later i got tired and sent her to bed Mistress went to bed aswell. The next morning Jeni was really sick and very dehydrated. Pooping blood even! Couldn't hold anything down! This was not by any means her first alcohol enema. she ha never reatacted like this before. Maybe it was the trauma from playing? Sometimes with Jeni is played with strange things happen so its kind of like a coin flip sometimes. So anyway she had to get a saline iv to get some flui in her but I had to sit with her all day and she is a bit better today but i am still sitting with her to nurse her back to health and i will all day for asking as it takes because it something you have to do for someone you love. Even at the price of my daily routine.

The Gravy Train

Mistress allowed me to eat dog for dinner last night, a can of beef and bacon gravy train to be exact! i was so excited at the impending humiliation of eating it out of the dog bowl where i eat most meals. But dog food has never actually been in there! She had me stand in the kitchen as She opened the fresh can, She took a whiff and gagged. "it cant be that bad" i thought but when She put the can up to my nose and commanded me to smell, i knew i was in for more than just a quick meal. i could feel Her power as She dumped the meal into my stainless bowl. She felt satisfied at what She was about to make me do. my excitement mounted, i put my hair in a ponytail and when She gave me permission to eat i stuck my face in the terrible smelling mess and dug in! my excitement quickly changed to disgust at the reality of the situation. Despite my humiliation (even my girl got to eat and actual meal and got to watch her superior eat dog food) and despite Mistress degrading me though the whole thing, it was so terrible on the tongue. The dog food did not in fact taste anything like bacon OR beef, it had an earthy flavor and a gritty texture. The taste was foul and it took alot of mind of matter to chew and swallow even a single bite! i struggled threw it and managed to not vomit as Mistress informed me i would be eating that too if i had. i ate and ate until Mistress told  me i was finished with about half the can left. i was rewarded with Mistress Newport ashes and cigarette butt as desert as well as my own pink fag cigarette!Alot of self control and devotion is what it took to eat that meal. i spent the time focusing on being lucky enough that my Mistress would allow me such a grand humiliation and what it ment to me rather than how it tasted. That made it go down alot easier. i felt very devoted, i felt very safe and happy. i look forward to eating my dog food again because that is my place and that is what my Mistress desires. It was a very humbling experience is took alot for Mistress to show that i truly and nothing more than a servant for Her amusement and She seems to greatly enjoy it that way!

A note from Mistress Carrie

I recived text regarding my place in Mistress Carries life, She knows exactly how to speak to me and how much Her words motivate and effect me. Deep down i know how She feel about me but She knows i am a humiliation and degradation junkie. So She is able to channel that into Her own special brand of affection that we both understand fully. It is painful to know that i do not turn Her on but it is also humbling i know i used to turn Her on and so did our dynamic. But now it is all just so natural for Her that its just life, i dont even know what really turns Her on anymore. She has told me what turns Her on is none of my business and that my place is to serve nothing more.  That is all to say that i hope i know how She feel regardless i am thrilled to serve Her and be apart of Her life! As many people tell me i am very very lucky...Thank You Mistress.

Stupid Blogger

i have been trying to edit my blog to make it a litte easier on the eyes and easier to read for  few days now. But when i do blogger is having some kind of issue that doesnt allow my changes to save so know that it is being worked on and i will make some changes soon :)

En femme!

i spent all day yesterday in looking like a faggy boy scout complete with tan shorts. i was not very happy about it but Mistress knew what was best. It reminded me of when i was a cub scout jeez i must have been like 8 maybe? But there was this photo taken of me in my uniform with my little shorts and i remember looking at is and think "my little hairless legs have no shape." Still in those little shorts, legs still hairless, 20 years later my legs are not so skinny and have a bit more shape.

 Mistress allowed me to accompany Her to the grocery that evening in my fancy get up. As i followed behind Her i tried my best to hide my long pink nails from onlookers. But as we headed deep into the store Mistress had informed me that She needed me to fetch a cart. So now as i went back to the cart i thought about all the people that would see my nails and there was nothing i could do about it i had no choice but to obey Her. So i did and i shamelessly pushed the cart my bright pink nails displayed for all to see. Because i had to give up the control or the mindset that people might look at me funny. In the end none of that matter all that matters is pleasing the one in control the only persons opinion that has merit in my world.......Mistress Carrie.

As i said in my previous post, i was punished and had to write lines. When Mistress arrived home from work She was quick to inspect my work as She enjoyed a cigarette and Her ashtray. She pointed out that i had capitalized the letter "i" when referring to myself. Mistress seemed very displeased by this, i quickly explained that i didnt know that was a problem. Force of habit always makes me capitalize "i" because of this and the lack of the apostrophe in the word "i've" Mistress informed me i will be rewriting my lines today. i eagerly accepted the fact that i was no long allowed to use honorifics of any sort when referring to myself infact i embraced it. Mainly because i am a rules and protocol junkie! i was excited to do my morning ritual of text messaging Mistress Her morning formal greeting, when i realized that my iphone auto corrects every letter i by its self to a capital "I" Well this is a problem because without the auto correct i would never spell anything right! But against my better judgement i turned it off to write my morning formal message.......i was informed of six spelling grammar and protocol errors and told i would be paddled this evening for not sending a proper message. It really was not worth turning the auto correct off for the sake of selfish laziness. Mistress and i text alot while She is away from home so now that my auto correct is on. i have to back track alot and force the phone to make my i's lower case then double check that they are all correct before sending my message. It is a prefect example of little things reminding you of your place.

So spending my time yesterday as a boy made me realize i am so much more playful and just an over all bad slave with not en femme. If i may run off on a bit of a tangent here i so much prefr words like en femme or feminized when referring to what you are when dressed as a female those terms sound so danity and proper. Whereas terms like "boy mode" or "girl mode" they just seem so much more informal and butch. Maybe its just because i am more of a sissy maid than a crossdresser i have a specific fetish for the properness of it all ....i have no idea....Anyway I am much more playful and kind of a brat when i am a boy. i dont really know why, i mean dont get me wrong i still know my place and still observe my protocol but just something in my brain is such much less submissive. i have always said in the past that i am not infact submissive by nature but had been trained to submit to my Mistress. i mean i own a girl for christ sake(jeni) if that is ny indication to my submissive nature. However when i am a gur,l Her gurl i find that submission is so very natural and kind of just fluid that i do not even have to try i just turn my brain off and let go awating instructions. When a boy ....not so much i am playful like a child with add i am still punished and still correct but it doesnt have the same effect as when i am a boy. Do any other sissies have this problem? Its also not like i seperate the 2 sides (which is a huge petpeeve of mine for some reason i hate when people refer to their fem selves in the third person "Brittney would love those boots or tara giving her first blow job") my 2 selves are infact one in the same ashe has always been short for ashlynn and fifi is a nickname given to me by Mistress Carrie. That being said that attitudes and personalities are not at all the same! it is very interesting.

Scouts Honor

Today i got in trouble for being to playful with Mistress. i jokingly asked it it was ok to wear my boy scout shirt (i have a boyscout shirt that i got from a thrift shop). Knowing that i am suppose to be femme at all times and She would want me to be in uniform to serve this evening. i was thinking that She would just quickly correct me and put me in my place. But in fact She was quick to tell me to put the boy scout shirt on and i could spend the time before She got home writing lines in my precious tan boy scout shirt. So plugged with my pink jewel butt plug and purple lace panties, i began to pen my hundred lines. Strangely with my long pink nails i felt more uncomfortable in this boy shirt than in any of my female wardrobe that i could have worn. i mean hell, it even says "Boy" on the shirt more than once. 'But i am not a boy', i thought to myself, 'i am a sissy, i present as a girl far more than a boy and i own far more female clothes than male clothes'. I love frills and bright colors. Instead of quickly telling me "NO! I want you in _____" Mistress has caused me to think about my actions and appreciate that i am not a man or a boy, i am Her sissy, and that is how i need to think all of the time.

i love pink!

It has been a really, really long time since i have posted a blog. What was once a daily pratice is now a thing of the past. I think often we forget how simple things once done are a good way to find comfort and bring us back down to earth. my maid training continues daily and i feel that blogging is an important part of that. So i hope to post more often; it is a good way to harness and direct my devotion.

i was allowed to get my nails done on friday, they are about an inch long. When i went into the salon i did not have much makeup on but i was fully dress as i usally am. Though one thing was diffrent. In the past when i have had my nails done, i could hide behind Mistess. This time i could not... It was weird to have to project myself as a female and one who was comfortable with people waxing my eyebrows and fidling with my hands no less! But as i sat in the chair i relaxed and took solace in the fact that i am not a woman and i am not a man. i am a sissy and i am very proud of that fact!! After that realization, i took pride in acting in a way that i knew would make my Mistress proud. So now i type this with long pink nails and it makes me so happy to live in such femminity and i am so lucky to have a Mistress that knows what is best for me.

Mistress can sometimes be so strict and nitpicking and these are moments i savor, these are moments i feel like i was ment for. She does not tolerate playfulness or back-talk and rightfully so! i am there to serve that is my main function. She will notice what has been done wrong or not to Her liking and really let me know how dissapointed She is. i truly hate to dissipoint Her because i am a properly trained sissy maid and i know what is expected even to the point of being cocky (i get in trouble a lot for being cocky!!!). It is nice to be brought back to reality and put in my place because i do often. i get caught up in being foolish and lose sight of the fact that i am Her sissy maid. i am there to serve and amuse Her and do so in the way She wants and has trained. So its times like this i am truly greatful to be Her perfect sissy.

So as i put on my lace and frills today i will keep in mind that i am Her slave, i am Her servant, i am here to do as She wishes. I spend the day awaiting Her instructions, it is like a drug. i crave Her control on a daily basis and go through withdraw when i do not have it.